September 22, 2008
Had dinner tonight with a mom (Patti Tillotson) that's 17 year old daughter died by suicide...I could see her strength, yet could still see her visible pain. She has made it her mission to educate people about teen suicide. I told my sister about her, and she asked me her daughters name...here, my sister knew her, but didn't know she had passed. I feel she and I have a connection. Finished reading book #3 on suicide tonight too!
September 24, 2008 at 10:40 a.m.
I just felt me dad!!!! I was vacuuming and all the sudden I smelled him and a split second later I got chills, I kept vacuuming and said out loud, Dad...I feel you! The feeling only last a few seconds, once he left, the goose bumps went away! Thank you for stopping by Dad! oxoxox!!!
October 6, 2008
TOUGH DAY! It was not only me and Ray's 8th Wedding Anniversary, but also the 9 month anniversary of my fathers death...I still can't believe I even type, "my fathers death" - the first thing I thought of this morning was I still had my dear Dad on this day 8 years ago, and how tall and handsome he was in his tuxedo and how proud he was of me for who I was marrying, he loved Ray, always called him Raymond as he always called me Kellianne not Kelli. I wanted to watch our wedding video, but chose not to as I wasn't ready to see my Dad like that and hear his voice, I didn't want to cry that hard on our anniversary. Ray could tell it was a bittersweet day for me and took very close care of me! We are learning that the 6th of several months are coming in to play...
January 6th my fathers suicide, October 6 our wedding anniversary, September 6th my sisters wedding anniversary, January 6th of 2002 my son was baptized...all these "6's" are freaking us out!
October 12, 2008
OHI! I have to meet the headstone guy at the cemetery in New Jersey where my Dad is buried, he put the headstone in the wrong spot and I need to be there for him to move it...I'm dreading it! I did buy three little pumpkins for the three kids to leave on the flat headstone for him! I have some of my dad him a trinket box here at home, I feel him more around me here then I do at the cemetery, I actually hate to go, I hate the Delaware Memorial Bridge - where many years ago my step Uncle jumped it to his death...and my old neighbor 20 years ago jumped...I hate New Jersey unless it's to go to Avalon - to veg out on the beach and finishing up my 5th book on suicide.
October 15, 2008
Today is my daughter Karoline's 5th birthday. I remember the day vividly and of course this year, it goes toward the fact that I still had my Dad five years ago. He was still working at DuPont, and was "on call" for me so he could leave work and watch our son while we went to the hospital. I went for my weekly check up and was told I was having Karoline that day and to head to the hospital. I had my son with me who was almost 2 at the time, so I called my husband and Dad and we all pulled up at the house together. There was my tall Dad standing at the front porch of my house in his work clothes and glasses - hugged me and to be careful and that he loved me and to go have his first grand-daughter. Karoline was the only baby our ours he came to see at the hospital, he even brought us a basket with a plant in it - I still have...I'm losing the plant, but I'm fighting to keep it alive with all my heart and might and lack of indoor plant knowledge. I miss my Dad so much my heart aches! I yearn to hear his deep voice and how he would say "hi-a" instead of "hi"...God Dad...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 6, 2008
Well...it's been 11 months today since my Dad took his life - ever since Thanksgiving, I have I felt like I am right back to the weeks and days after my Dads death...but today, something great happened - our son Zachary who is seven now, who is in his 3rd year of wrestling - WON HIS FIRST MATCH! I was crying and I ran onto the mat and hugged him - I videoed taped it - I was beside myself! My Dad has been so much on my chest lately that this was the icing on the cake for me. I'm not aloud to "fall apart" around her with a husband and three kids that look up to me and I am their rock - If I'm down, they are, If I'm happy, they are...it's a lot of pressure on me on top of the stress I have had on me since 1/6/08 and life in general. I miss my Dad, very much!
December 11, 2008
OHI - what a day!!!! Our five year old daughter loves Michael Buble, she has infact swiped my CD's and has them in her room. Michael Buble has a song called, "Lost" which was release very shortly after my Dads death...(God, I still can't believe that line..."My Dads Death...") - the song hit me and my three sisters in the gut and we avoided the song at all costs. It was till my husband and I saw him in concert this year for our 8th wedding anniversary, that I was able to make it through the song in it's entirety. Well, today in the car on the way home from picking Karoline up from Pre-K, that song came on, I didn't even think about what song it was all I was thinking about was, oooh, Karoline just got int he car and Michael Buble came on for her, so I got exited for her and turned it up. As we were turning into our development, I went to turn around and tell her was need to put Michael back in her CD player at night (she has a Disney Princess CD in there for the last few weeks), what I turned around to see was her singing - wasn't what my five year old going on 13 year old was doing, she was in full blown tears, hard tears, the saddest tears I had ever seen come out of her. I turned the radio down and asked her what was wrong, she said, "this song reminded me of Pop Pop and I miss him, why did he have to die!" Let me tell you, I could NOT get to our house, in the driveway, car off and around to her and grab her out of her booster seat fast enough! Ray was looking at the window so he came out, she was still in tears, I was crying. I told her that Momma misses her Daddy too, and that it was ok to miss Pop Pop, and that Pop Pop was all around us and in our hearts. To say I was MAD at my Dad after that would be an understatement! Crushed me, I was so sad for her, she is so little, but so wise for her age. I'm reading a book on children and death now. I have never read so much in my enitre life as I have in this past nearly one year!
December 21, 2008
Four days till Christmas, my first without my Dad. I have a ton of guilt as far as last Christmas goes. My Dads depression was so bad, that I didn't want our three kids (then, 1, 4 and 6 years of age) to see my Dad looking so bad. So I told him we couldn't make it over there, he was so sad on the phone and I think I mad him cry, the way he said, "alright, bye..." rings very loudly in my head, I knew in my gut he was hurt - I had hurt my Dad, hurt him when he was already low. But at the same time, I knew that my kids shouldn't see Pop Pop the way he was, he was thinner, 20 years older looking, very frail, he didn't look like himself at all - I also think in my heart, I knew something was going to happen and the fact that my kids had not seen Pop Pop 11 days before, mad it a little easier on them - even though it took me, oddly enough, 11 to even tell them. Everyday I prepared myself to tell them that Pop Pop was old and that he had died, I would get so angry that I couldn't. Ray wanted me to be to tell them when I was ready, so he was always very good at telling me that, "This isn't the day then."
Being four days till Christmas and three days till Christmas eve (for the last nearly 13 years, I would see my Dad on Christmas Eve, and sometimes on Christmas Day), I am surprised at how calm I am. Also, the fact that the one year anniversary is January 6, 2009, my calmness surprises me even more so. We are going away for the one year mark. It falls on a Tuesday, and the kids would normally head back to school from the holiday break that Monday, but we are leaving for a resort in the Poconoes that Monday thru Wednesday. This resort has an indoor water park, so I am actually looking forward to it. We have even started a packing pile in our bedroom with bathing suits and flip flops.
Needless-to-say, the 25th still isn't here and 1/6/09 hasn't come either, so I have no idea what is in store for me. All I know is my Dad will be even more on my chest those days. I have a small fake tree to stick in the ground where my Dad is buried, so I hope to get over the NJ this week with Ray and the kids - I HATE going there, I feel my Dad more here at home then I do where he is buried. I think that is mostly because he was cremated and I have some of his ashes. My Dad is not at rest. I feel him and smell him all the time. The sweatshirt my sister gave me from his room a few days after his death, still smells like him, he had to have just worn it.
Finished the second book Carla Fine wrote - book no. 8 I have now finished reading. I emailed her and thanked her for her books and she wrote me back beautiful words. She is a blessed woman.
December 25, 2008
The first Christmas without my Dad - the first Christmas eve without him last night too. Thankfully the kids kept me very occupied and a few true friends of mine for which I am forever grateful too! The day was quiet, the phone didn't ring once. The kids were happy with Santa, and their happiness made me happy!
January 4, 2008
Talked to my 2nd cousin today - his Dad (my great uncle) committed suicide in 1983 - I wish I had know this a year ago - but better late then never! He is very wise and had wonderful things to say to me! We plan to stay in touch, I know we will!
*** January 6, 2009 ***
"D" Day one year later...all I want to say is I made it through - we went away...I heard from a couple close friends and a perfect stranger. Life goes on and so will I - and lastly - the last 365 days of my life are a blurr! We are at GREAT WOLF LODGE in the Pocono Mountains of PA as a means of distraction for me. The kids are having a blast, I guess so am I, as long as I'm with Ray and the kids, I'm good!
I have to stop and think about John Travolata's family dealing with the loss of 16 year old Jett and today, on the one year anniversary of my Dads death, Jennifer Gardner and Ben Aflack had their 2nd daughter - puts things in perspective a little...so does looking at my three kids each and everyday! LIFE GOES ON...
February 9, 2009
Well, I had a flash back to the day my Dad died - my mother was in a car accident yesterday, I didn't know her condition until I reached the hospital 45 minutes away, you can imagine the 45 minute ride form hell was for me. She is fine, her car is totaled. Scared me very much to hear a Delaware State Police Officers voice mail...but no telling of her condition.
ALSO - for the first time the "6th" day of a month went unnoticed for me...guess I'm healing! Feb. 6th came and went and it never dawned on me! Interesting to me!
February 18, 2009
My son's wrestling team has been my saving grace, it has been keeping me very busy. Our daughter is dealing with grieve still and I'm meeting with a child psychologist next week to talk about her and to see what Ray and I can do about her crying over Pop Pop. I dreamed that my Dad came back to me, and I asked him in the dream why he did it and it he thought about me (or us) before pulling the trigger and he said he was in such a "zone" that he didn't know what he had done until it was to late. I don't think my Dad is at rest yet. He is all around me. I want him at peace, but I selfishly want him around me and my husband and three kids watching over us - as selfish as that may sound. I still need him here!
It IS getting easier, but the pain and disbelief is still very raw...I think they always will be. I bought three more books today, I have a huge suicide library now - who would have thought - the girl who really hated to read in school and college and reading on my own, my dad would be thrilled.
February 22, 2009
BAD DAY! Went to a play date at my friends house with Tanner, she lives in the same development as my Dad did only you make a right instead of a left...as I got to the Rt. 41 WAWA, my stomach started getting a knot, I couldn't get Ray on the phone, so I lost it, I was shaking worse and harder as I dove closer and closer to Limestone Hills West...finally as I turned in I got Ray on the phone, he calmed my down, but I was a mess, I haven't been that much of "a mess" in months! It was very hard, very exhausting, very raw still. I thought I was getting better and these things make you feel like you have had a set back, when really it's still so new! I miss him so much! NASCAR is back on and it's still hard to sick and watch - like right now, it's on and I'm here on the computer.
One a side note, I have completed my self taught course on facilitating a support group. I can officially organize a grief support group that can be run by me but be a peer to peer group. I'm thrilled and have great expectations for this group. What I see for this group is what I needed after I lost me dad.- yoga, breathing techniques, upbeat and supportive environment. I want people to come looking forward to being with others who understand and are there for them no matter how far out or into their grief they are. I want happy memories for those left behind and shift to focus from how our loved one left us to who they were when they were alive.
March 20, 2009
I am eagerly awaiting the first support group meeting that I have put together. It has become my "baby" and has helped me learn so much more about suicide, helped me to grow even more, helped me heal and capture some closure on my fathers suicide. I KNOW my Dad would be proud of me for putting a group in Hockessin together to help others. I have hit a few "road bumps" created by a few fellow survivors, I'm not sure why, they do not know me, one even asking how long it's been since my mothers death...when it was my father. Not sure why they feel threatened by me - I'm a fellow survivors on a mission to help others and feel as though they are trying to pull the rug out from under me. It saddens me and I pray for them and continue to hope and pray for their healing through this survival of life that we all must do each and everyday now that suicide has become a part of our everyday life. I have support from a dear friend of mine and several others and I have the support of God and I know my dad and for that, I will continue on with this group and my mission to be there and help others. Once again, and I quote, "Ignorance is not an excuse."
April 5, 2009
Well,,,my POOL IS ONCE AGAIN OPEN! It is a whopping 48 degree's but I don't care, I can see it when I'm in the house all sparkling in the sun and clear blue water, I love it, this pool bought by my Dad is my tranquility, my fountain of youth - I love this pool even if it's to cold to swim in, I'm happy to sit at the windows at night, turn on the light and watch the water. I'm thrilled to see it again everytime I walk past all the windows in the back of the house! Ahhh, calmness has returned to my heart!
April 8, 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my DAD! My dad would be 64 years young today - I heard from a few strangers and a few friends today acknowledging the day - these are who I need in my life and I'm so thankful for them!
April 12, 2008
Happy Easter. I am learning each and everyday that life goes on and I am aloud to smile, laugh, crack a joke, be happy - I have the right! I am also learning that not everyone is supportive as others in my life and I'm ok with that, I have so many wonderful people in my life that I can afford to pick out the weeds. I am off to bed to read my 10th book, I'm on a roll!
April 13, 2009
Sadly, once again someone or someone's are trying to make a good thing for fellow survivors not happen...the saddest part is that she individuals are fellow survivors themselves that claim to be out for the same thing...help others who are grieving - I am baffled by this and I will continue to fight for this support group that I have wanted to do since the day my dad died - before I met these individuals - before I did the AFSP walk. I pray for these individuals everyday. I fore see them coming to my meeting and I pray it is for all the right reasons and not forget that others that are grieving will be there and have the best intentions at heart.
April 15, 2009
Today I met with Father Hamill from our parish. First thing out of his month was, "My fathers mother committed suicide", I was floored! We talked for about an hour, he knew things that only Ray and I knew, things that were bothering me, things I was doing, etc. It was like he has a full blown conversation with God before I got there. He said that God wasn't made at me for not attending church for the last 17 months, that God understands and loves me. My father is of course in heaven, he was very sick with depression. Of course my dad is watching over me and around me. He told me to distance myself from those in my life that are toxic to my healing - I have been working on that this week, and he told me it would be hard, and it has. It doesn't mean I don't' love these people, it's just that for the time being, I have to heal - not only for myself, but for my husband and our three kids. He asked me if he would see me at church on Sunday and I said if he see's me, that is his answer, he smiled and said that is good enough for me and God! Thank you Father Hamill!
April 26, 2009
WENT TO CHUCH! Brought Karoline, my daughter, with me. She was good as gold too! Afterwards Father Hamill shock hands with people and waited a few seconds till the crowd cleared and instead of shaking my hand, hugged me and said, "How are you doing my friend" - I said, "I'm here" - basically what I wanted to say was I was moving over and letting God back in the drivers seat of my life.
May 10, 2009
My 2nd Mothers Day without my Dad and a beautiful card. Made me said. My father-in-law send me one, didn't hear from my own mom ever though me and the kids called her, wished my one sister a happy mothers day with none in return from her - I don't get it...
May 13, 2009
Two days ago had a great Support Group Meeting, had another fellow survivor from another group come which was a real treat to have her come! I was happy to see her. The group all and all went well, the small exercises I handed out I think will help some of us, I hope that some of us will share out letters to our deceased loved ones. I need to write a few to some family members that are still alive for closure!
July 21, 2009
I worry about this economy and how it will affect the suicide rate! I know of recent suicide that was brought on by the lack of income and mouths to feed.
WELCOME 2010
January 3, 2010
This Wednesday the 6th is my dads 2nd suicide anniversary - once again, we are going away! I'm actually surprised how much it is weighing on me. I decided that I would except that it will always this time of year - and it acutally lifted some of the weight. I have many blessings in my life and many new friends over the last few months that understand what I feel and they give me a great deal of strength.
January 6, 2010
Well folks, I mad it through the 2nd year - it wasn't anywhere near has hards as the first. I still miss my dad terribly and wish he was here - and I still have anger days and days I'm just plain sad...but I have allowed myself to do this - I'm human.
March 23, 2010
Below is a story I was featured in in the Delaware News Journal today..
www.delawareonline.com/health
Families affected by suicide reach out
They've felt the pain of loss firsthand, and now they're trying to help others
By KELLY BOTHUM • The News Journal • March 23, 2010
To those around him, John Pedrick seemed like a man with a horizon of opportunities before him. Fresh off retirement from DuPont and with six grandchildren to dote on, he was at a point in his life where time truly was his own.
But instead of chumming around with his loved ones, watching NASCAR or soaking up the sun while playing golf -- his favorite hobby -- Pedrick became increasingly depressed in the year following his retirement in 2004. Medication and therapy helped for a while, but over time his interest and participation in the world around him slowly receded. He declined family invitations, sold his beloved Buick and even gave up his membership to the DuPont Country Club, where he had belonged for more than four decades.
His family knew his battle against depression was a mighty one, but the 62-year-old Pike Creek man assured them he was managing it. When friends and family asked if he ever thought of hurting himself, he told them no.
On Jan. 6, 2008, Pedrick took his own life, leaving behind a devastated family with more questions than answers. More than two years later, his daughter Kelli Pedrick Karlton has learned to cope with her father's death, though she knows the pain will never dissolve completely.
"I thought I could lose my father to depression, but never would I have thought of suicide," said Pedrick Karlton of Oxford, Pa., who has formed a support group in Delaware -- From Surviving to Thriving -- for families affected by suicide. "I know he really tried to fight it. He didn't go down without a fight."
In Delaware, 92 people died by suicide in 2007, the most recent statistics available. That figure represents 1.3 percent of the 7,245 deaths in the state that year -- more than 2 1¼2 times as many deaths as from homicide. In addition, each year about 478 people in Delaware are hospitalized as a result of a suicide attempt. While teens are considered at the highest risk for suicide, middle-aged men, the elderly and veterans also are at increased risk.
But statistics represent only those whose suicide or attempted suicide is reported -- just one part of a complicated mental health issue. Far more people than that think about killing themselves each year, some going so far as to formulate a plan for taking their life. Others suffer with undiagnosed mental health or addiction problems that increase their chance of suicide.
A study released last fall from the National Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration found that nearly 8.3 million adults 18 and older -- representing just under 4 percent of the population -- harbored "serious thoughts" of suicide in the past year. Of those, 2.3 million Americans reported making a suicide plan and 1.1 million attempted to kill themselves.
"This is a serious mental health issue, and we as a community have to know what to do,” said Jim Lafferty, executive director of the Mental Health Association in Delaware, one of several nonprofit organizations in the state trying to raise awareness about suicide prevention.
Outreach efforts
While Delaware is doing better than other states when it comes to suicide prevention – the state’s suicide rate ranks 39th in the nation – mental health professionals here know more can be done. To that end, the Delaware Suicide Prevention Coalition, which was created in 2004 to address the issue, has developed a statewide suicide prevention plan aimed at increasing awareness about risk factors and making it easier for concerned family members to get their loved ones the help they need.
In 2008, the state was one of 18 nationwide to receive a three-year, $1.5 million Garrett Lee Smith youth suicide prevention grant. The federal grant is named for the son of Oregon Sen. Gordon Smith, who committed suicide in 2003. It funds the development of youth suicide prevention tool kits and so-called gatekeeper training for educators, clergy, mental health workers and other responsible adults who may be the first to notice potentially suicidal behavior. Not only are they trained to identify youth at risk, they are given information about suicide intervention, counseling and other resources.
“You just don’t blankly ask, ‘Have you had any thoughts of suicide?’ because you have to be ready to hear the answer,” said Patti Tillotson, who lost her daughter, Stephanie, to suicide just one day after her 17th birthday.
The Mental Health Association in Delaware also is trying to reach more young people – the group at highest risk of suicide – through a just-launched social marketing campaign called Project LIFE, which stands for “Living Is for Everybody” (www.getrightsideup.org, www.delteenspace.org). The campaign, aimed at ages 10 to 24, includes easily accessible information about depression and suicidal behavior for those who may be grappling with feelings of hopelessness in their life as well as tips for parents and other adults about what signs to look for, how to intervene and what resources are available in the community.
As part of Project LIFE, health teachers and wellness center staff at local high schools are being trained to spot warning signs of depression and what to do if a child comes forward saying they or someone they know is thinking about suicide. Eventually, the hope is to bring that training to the middle school level as well.
“You can’t tell someone with depression or who is having thoughts of suicide to ‘snap out of it,’ ” said Alexandra Calla, suicide prevention specialist with the Mental Health Association. “We need to listen more than react. We need to find out why they want to die. If their brain is full of suicide, we need to get that out, and then we need to get them the help they need.”
Victoria Kim, project manager for the Mental Health Association, said one of the biggest challenges in suicide prevention is getting people comfortable with actually talking about it. Even psychologists and therapists can struggle with saying the word “suicide.” Instead, they couch it by asking patients if they feel like they want to “hurt” themselves.
Lanae Ampersand, program manager of the John Dickinson High School Wellness Center in Wilmington, said some teens may use the vague wording as a way to avoid addressing their problems.
“It’s so important to say the word. That’s why I put it in my regular vocabulary,” said Ampersand, a licensed clinical social worker. “Somebody might have asked the question before, but because they didn’t straight out say, “Have you tried to kill yourself in the past?’ or, if they’re cutting, ‘Did you cut to hurt yourself?’ they didn’t get the right answer.”
Suicide prevention pamphlets and other related mental health information are available in the wellness center at Dickinson. Students also can come and talk about the concerns they have for themselves or a friend. In some cases, students will talk about feeling depressed or having suicidal thoughts long after those feelings have passed, Ampersand said.
Some people also want to avoid talking about suicide because they fear it may inadvertently convince someone to do it, Kim said. In fact, the opposite is true, but the silence on the topic can add to the stigma, hurting efforts to get people the help they need.
“It’s a myth that by talking about it you’re giving them permission to do it,” Kim said. “It’s giving them permission to talk about it. When they’re talking about the reasons they want to die, you may be able to show them a reason for living. You only need one reason to live.”
Pedrick Karlton said she has even experienced the stigma herself as a daughter who lost her father to suicide. On occasions when she has told people her father killed himself, she has been met with gasps of surprise and disgust. She has even lost friends because of the way she has chosen to deal with her father’s suicide – by not hiding the cause of his death and helping other people to deal with their loss.
But she has withheld the details of her father’s death from her own children, who are still young and wouldn’t understand. “I told them Pop Pop was sick,” said Pedrick Karlton, who is pregnant with her fourth child. “Because he was.”
Hidden pain
Tillotson may have a doctorate in environmental science, but there’s another area of her life where she also has expertise – teen suicide. In April, it will be seven years since her daughter, Stephanie, killed herself in her bedroom one day after her 17th birthday.
It was the second time Stephanie, a McKean High School junior, had attempted suicide. At the time, Tillotson and her family didn’t know that a previous suicide attempt dramatically increases the risk that a person will try again.
She does now...
It’s this kind of information she tries to share with parents and others in the hopes that what happened to her family won’t happen to them. She knows that even though her oldest daughter wore a smile like some kids wear their glasses or an iPod, the exterior doesn’t always reveal everything. She knows that teens – and adults – who are considering suicide often make a plan, but if you can reach them before they progress to completing it, you can help them get the support, care and treatment they need.
“It seems many of these outgoing, vivacious, popular, smart kids look like everything is fine, and yet there’s something going on,” said Tillotson, who formed an organization, Steps for Steph, to raise money and awareness about teen mental health issues. “You may have everything in the external world, but it can happen to you regardless of your financial situation, your race, ethnicity or gender.”
After Stephanie’s death, Tillotson dedicated her life to helping teens rise out of the mire of sadness and depression that consumed her daughter. She thinks Stephanie would be proud of the family’s decision to go public in the hopes of preventing another teen suicide.
“If we don’t do it, who will?” Tillotson said.
